turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
