i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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