and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
