then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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