you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
