remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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