I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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