i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
