I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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