I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
