remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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