the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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