There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
