The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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