No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
