where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize