So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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