She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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