it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
