you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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