I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Life without a bra equals bliss.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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