i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
