this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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