she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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