last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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