i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
