I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
