I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
