I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
