when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
foreskin is a definite game changer
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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