I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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