Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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