We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize