what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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