Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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