Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You took a bar mat shot.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
