I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
