I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
