....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
