I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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