So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
