why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
