I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
