i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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