so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
