I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
