i just wanna soil my oats bro
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
