i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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