my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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