my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
