I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
