i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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