This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
